Some of my section mates invited me over for an evening of reading music and socializing. This was the first time in 12 years I played these once familiar pieces.
It takes courage to play in an orchestra again while trying to manage embouchure dystonia. It takes even more to play in a chamber setting which is more exposed. Thank God I am part of a supportive section...it means the world to me.
It's both physically and mentally taxing on a whole different level. Takes enormous effort sometimes to adapt and make adjustments on the fly. It's like trying to jump hurdles on one leg (non-dominant side) over and over again. Sometimes you know there's no way of avoiding falling flat on your face and just have to get up and keep going and reward yourself for the small victories/hurdles you did miraculously jump over.
I do my best on 4th as it is easier to manage and I actually get to enjoy the feeling of playing rather than constantly having to manually adjust my settings every other beat (literally...it's like trying to learn to drive stick-shift for the first time while in a professional race car competition...there is no such thing as solely focusing on the road or automatic pilot...you're learning as you are going at full speed and it's ever changing).
We're planning on doing some summer gigs together which I'm looking forward to! I just feel lucky to do this and forever grateful!!
I am proud to say I got through 3 hours of solid playing. Even though my endurance is shot, my dystonia symptoms were consist; meaning they didn't get worse or severely degrade my abilities as I continued playing, which is characteristic. It's kind of like a snowball effect or quicksand where the dystonia just takes over if you continue playing.
Luckily it's been manageable due to the consistency/stabilizing of the symptoms. I think that is why I feel more comfortable saying yes to playing more publicly now, since my dystonia isn't as sporadic, unpredictable, and way out of control as it was in the past. It's become more predictable, consistent, and controllable to a degree and that's leagues better than having no leverage at all.
I thank God every day and celebrate the small things, such as just being able to get a note out of the horn...not many who experience onset of this disorder can hold a note longer than half a second before either: their aperture involuntary closes, their jaw locks, fierce spasms throw them off the note, a tick causes an air leak, or the seal breaks due to the embouchure collapsing, or they can't even touch the mouthpiece because their contractions are so severe.
You have to be grateful for the small progress despite the ebb and flow of it all...it's difficult to see results, but it's doable.
No comments:
Post a Comment