Goodbye ESC

Sorry I haven't had time to update my blog in forever. This is why....I've been working like crazy to balance all the areas of my life; especially work/finances. I currently work for El Sistema Colorado, American Music School, Taylor Robinson Music, and I just got a sub-license. All of this to keep my head above water this year.

All I can say is that some things in life are inevitable. You try your hardest to avoid it, but even when working with a team to prevent things from ending, sometimes they do, nonetheless. 2016 has been tough. Last year in January of 2016 I received the news that two of my co-teachers who lead the 4th & 5th grade brass and woodwinds/band class with me were being laid off. That was tough because all of a sudden I was alone three days before the first day of classes started and feeling like I had lost a great team. Part of why I love El Sistema Colorado is because we co-teach most things. It's so much more effective and the students feel like they are surrounded by a family of teachers dedicated to them. It was hard, but I made it.

On top of that we ended our year a month early. Coming into this year I received a phone call in the August of 2016 asking if I would like to continue with ESC as a teacher, but only offered 16 hours a week (I had 32 last year) since there wasn't much funding, no lesson planning time paid for, no instrument maintenance time, no staff meetings, no core-group/nucleo meetings, no pre-concert planning meetings, and strict time on hour limits, no instrument repairs, teachers could only work a certain amount of hours at a concert at the beginning of the year, no paid-out time ...no accrued vacation hours, no benefits this year...whereas last year we had all of this available. The pay rate would change depending on what us teachers where doing; one pay rate for lead teaching, a different one for assisting, another for meetings and concerts. I was also told that there may be a possibility that the brass & woodwinds program I teach most likely would be cut in January 2017.

I said yes because despite how gloomy it sounds, I love this organization so much, and it is my livelihood! I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I ended up with more hours due to another teacher declining a position, so I filled it and went up to 21 hours. I also started teaching private music lessons on the weekend to fill in more hours.

Right away we had a lot of teachers leave. Most of them had excuses such as moving, getting a full-time teaching job elsewhere, or too many gigs, a lot of them were actually upset with the way things were heading, or scared of getting laid off. I worked hard since August to try to get another part-time job encase things got worse. I even advocated to keep the brass & woodwinds program going at Garden Place Academy.

In November 2016 we received an email asking about ideas for next year; example - should we move to salary positions, should we hire all teachers on as full-time in order to receive benefits, should we move all after-school programs to one hub?, etc. We received the same questions last year as well...so it seemed that maybe things were getting better since they were asking us this. That's at least what I assumed.

But then early December 2016 we received a letter saying that our after-school programming at all three schools was ending two and half weeks early due to not enough funding. As teachers we vented to our lead teaching artists about how we didn't feel included in anything. Why can't we fund-raise as teachers? Why is it just left up to administration or the board? Why can't we be included on information about the organizations finances? Why are we left out until it's too late to do anything? Why are we told to promote matching grants a day before they are due? or just sent a link to Colorado Gives in order to try to fund raise? Isn't there more we can do as teachers? If someone would just help us organize a fundraiser for our nonprofit, we'd do it, even if it meant not getting paid. I'd work overtime on no pay just to get the organization back running. We all would if it came down to it.

Finally we got a little bit of answers; that our organization's start-up money funding was winding down, and that it generally only covers about 4 years, and we are into our 4th year of programming. On top of that our organization grew too big in a short time. We expanded to serving three schools in Denver. We're one of the best El Sistema organizations! We also didn't have an executive director for over a year, and they had to rebuild networks and partnerships, etc.

The administration and board worked tirelessly to send out letters to donors to get funding, etc. At least that's what we were told. But still, all of us teachers feel like things are always so ambiguous. I understand that keeping a nonprofit afloat is not easy, but communication has always been an issue. Every survey we filled out that asked what our organization could improve on  - at the top was communication.

Then the worst news came two days after Christmas (Yes, literally yesterday!)  my boss called me and informed me that the board has decided to end El Sistema Colorado programming on January 31st due to lack of funding. In-school programming starts January 9th, after-school January 16th, and then we end the 31st. Literally only 3 weeks, and we're done for the year .

It hasn't really hit me yet. Neither any of the LTA's saw it coming either and it's a huge blow to all of us. Every single one of us has to drop things and find new work if we haven't already got a second job lined up. There's nothing like being laid-off three weeks into school. I was told that the board hasn't approved up ending in January 31st quite yet, and that they are trying to push the funding out further through February at the latest. They are trying to push whatever money they have left to Bruce Randolph High School since it needs the most. So I was asked if I would consider staying on board for after-school programming there if that's what ends up happening. I said yes.

I luckily just received my Sub-Authorization through the Colorado Department of Education. So hopefully I can pick up subbing hours. Also waiting on to hear if I get hired for a part-time band director assistant position I applied for not long ago. I also opened up more of my private lesson schedule hours.

I'm not writing this in anger, but in sadness and disappointment. I love ESC and we are all hoping and praying that the board or administration, or whoever is in charge (now that they let go of the executive director as well) raises enough money to start El Sistema Colorado programming again in August of 2017. For now, we wait and see what happens. It's more devastating having to say goodbye to all the students and explain to them why they might not see us again. It's really hard. But if asked to go through this again, I'd say yes. So many of us would because we put in all the blood, sweat, and tears; our all into making this program great.

I posted the photo of a broken bridge because it's how I always am left feeling when a path I expected to be on for a long time comes to a short end. I'm not sure what's ahead, and as sad as it sounds, I'm actually use to it, so I feel I have the strength to move forward. As I said before, rising from the ashes is what I do best. Music is my purpose and calling, and no matter what happens, I will find a way to continue on my music path in one way or another. It's who I am, and who I'll always be...a musician who knows how to persevere despite all setbacks.

First Orchestra Concert in Six Years!

I had the honor of performing with the Longmont Symphony Orchestra in Colorado this last weekend. I took a risk and said yes to subbing for the 4th horn player, thinking that it would be doable with a couple easy pieces and one large more difficult piece.

But boy was I wrong about the programming! The concert included Pines of Rome, Enigma Variations, Daphnis & Chloe, and Strauss's Four Last Songs. There was transpositions in bass clef and old notation in some of the pieces and a tiny solo for 4th horn.

I had never been much of a low horn player, even before dystonia, I primarily held principal positions. It was too late to turn back now. Plus I had worked so hard and looked forward to such an opportunity for so long! I decided to prepare for it and hope for the best come rehearsal time. We only got two rehearsals and then the concert.

I was surprised that things went so well! I was so nervous about my dystonia kicking in during the long stretches of held notes throughout all of Strauss. I was scared that either spasms would violently through me off the notes (i.e. ending them abruptly), or I wouldn't have enough grasp on the notes to adjust my intonation if needed to (combined with using my right hand in the bell). But all the pieces turned out to be totally doable thanks to my mouthpiece that made things so much more comfortable.

I have been playing trumpet on a daily basis with my students. I have one class of literally 10 beginner trumpet players this year. For over a year now I've been having to play so many different instruments due to teaching; mainly flute, clarinet, oboe, trumpet, and trombone. On all of them I started out shaky, but my dystonia symptoms have receded a great deal over the year.

Trumpet is the one instrument I've spent the most amount of time playing. My dystonia symptoms are actually significantly less severe on trumpet than any of the other brass instruments. Luckily I own a french horn mouthpiece designed by a trumpet player (you can totally tell if you ever get the chance to look at it) and it looks like a trumpet mouthpiece almost. The rim is contoured like a trumpets, the body is funnel-shaped, but then it is a heavy and thick/dense mouthpiece. Probably as heavy as a trombone mouthpiece.

The feeling of the trumpet rim (it's A LOT of RIM!) on a horn mouthpiece has done a bit of sensory trick for me and my symptoms don't kick in as often. I can't play very much in the high range, but that's due to the mouthpiece and it's rim contour and thickness. However, my notes are stable.

Enough about my mouthpiece! Here are some photos from my first rehearsal. Both rehearsals and the concert went smoothly. I definitely needed that feeling of playing in an orchestra again. It was way over due. I took a risk because I knew I could do it, even if it took a lot of physical effort. I was very proud of how much progress I've made and that I'm able to perform even the slightest bit or every blue moon again. There have been so many days, months, and years missing playing with an orchestra, so even having the chance to relive it once again, just once, is a dream come true!

Good Times: Friends, Horn Players, Traveling, and TENS unit therapy!

I've had a busier month than expected! A lot of great blessings despite several car problems. I currently work in Denver while living in Boulder. It's quite the commute, but I don't mind since I love driving long-distance. However, my car has broken down three times in the last month....let's just leave it at that and hope the terrible 3's are finally over. I'm so thankful for the many friends and family that have helped out throughout that stress-ball.

Back to the positive stuff! A fellow FTSED musician lent me their TENS unit to use! My neuromuscular dentist wanted me to undergo several sessions of using the TENS unit since it showed signs of improvement, yet I couldn't afford it. I'm literally a broke college student again. Boy am I grateful for this generous person to let me borrow their unit!!! It's helped tremendously. I'm already experiencing less pain. Even when the pain does happen it goes away quicker. I just have to make sure that I keep up the ice/heat packing and the TENS unit consistently especially after practicing.

They lent me four electric pads, so I've been using it on my face and my back shoulder and neck. My jaw is popping less, but still just enough to keep me worried. However, I have to say that my jaw feels more sticky in a good way...before I felt like it would pop or crack so easily by the slightest touch, and now it doesn't feel as loose or crackly or off. It's weird, the more I use the TENS unit along the line of my shoulder blade in my back, the more relieved I feel.

Another risk I'm taking is bringing back slight playing into my daily activities. My friend Thomas Jostlein the associate principal of the St. Louis Symphony is here in Boulder for the CMF festival and wanted to see where I was at playing-wise with my disorder. I'm VERY picky about who I play for because it requires a deeper understanding of the complexity of what I'm dealing with (a combination of injuries and disorder), and also an unorthodox approach vs standard lesson approach when giving advice or suggestions. But I trust him as a mentor.

The best thing is that I feel like I've contacted my inner horn geek again...which I've missed a lot! hahaha! It's therapeutic in a way feeling like I'm included in the horn playing world even if it's just talking to another horn player. Even better, one who isn't afraid of my disorder and is genuinely interested.

Many years ago when starting my (horn performance) grad school audition process by visiting campuses, the University of Illinois (Champagne-Urbana) was on my scheduled list. After visiting Thomas, I realized I favored his horn pedagogy and approach to music best out of any other schools, so U of IL became my top choice for schools to apply for. I liked that he wasn't like other typical professors; lost in technique or standard methods of solving playing issues, nor taught by the textbook....he had a unique and innovative approach due to his former teacher, Arnold Jacobs' influence. However, grad school on horn never happened due to my injury and then disorder. However, I consider him one of the best horn players of our time (if you haven't heard him, you need to...he really needs to make a solo recording), so it means a lot knowing he believes that I'll make a full recovery and has been supportive of all the hard work I've done to rehabilitate.

 I also had some of my closest friends in Colorado this summer! I went and visited my friend James at the Aspen music festival. He use to play principal clarinet in the orchestra I was in, and we played in a woodwind quintet together. My best friend Lizzie, also from my undergrad, visited me in Denver. She's working on promoting her artwork and trying to make it as a solo artist. I know she will because she has such a diverse set of skills!

For the first time in MANY years I felt complete....like myself again. Just being around people who get me, who have known me throughout my music endeavors and all the challenges, changes, and growth in life...it brought me a sense of relief being around what feels like family. My friends are family...even if I'm not the best at keeping up, I would do anything for the few close friends I have. Even my own family (except my twin sister) hasn't attended any of my concerts, recitals, performances, or tours after I left high school.

Music has always provided the family, support, and sense of purpose I strived for and needed. Even if I could play, it wouldn't mean as much if I didn't have others to share my pursuit of music with. I miss performing with friends, people that I love, and sharing good memories. No, the performance world is not always pretty, there can be drama, but in the end when I look back, it's my friends I miss the most. I proudly watch them grow into professional musicians, already establishing their names and professions. And while I wish I could share in the same things, I can't complain too much....it brings me tremendous joy seeing them shine and accomplish their dreams.

On a completely different note and change of subject, I'm in a committed relationship; something that is a huge milestone. It's taken a lot of courage on my part, but so far I feel like my heart has healed a lot and I'm ready to see the world through a more positive lens again and embrace whatever comes my way without fear.

I'm still learning how to let go of control and to not fear the worst, but I've come a long ways since then. In a way I felt like all these wonderful reunions with musicians I admire and friends I care deeply about, was a gift from God as a reminder of who I am, that everything that's happened in the past, all that I've accomplished, the gift of music I was given....it wasn't all for nothing, and it really did happen. I really could play. Just when I thought the former me was dead and gone, I was reminded that passion and fire inside is still alive. I just needed a jolt to wake me up again. I honestly haven't felt this alive in a very long time, and I'm grateful for it. I can daydream about the future and look forward to every day with the faith that my talent and skills will serve a purpose again.

31st Birthday Blog!

Finally making some time to update my blog. It's my 31st birthday today and I wanted to write! First off, thank you to everyone who contacted me this year, for those who have driven all the way to visit, and for the phone calls and e-mails! I hope I have been of some help and support. It has moved me to see others speaking up about what they are dealing with and sharing their own research and findings too.

This summer I am working on writing an article over FTSED, and a lecture/presentation to give at possible conferences this coming year. It is a lot to undertake and a bit overwhelming because I'm of course not a medical professional, but just a musician who can only share their experience with FTSED. However, I think it is important to not only make others aware of injuries through writing...but to speak about FTSED, music performance-related injuries, and resources out loud. It needs to be brought up not just at conferences, but around peers, and especially in schools where advanced musicians are training.

On a personal note, I have unfortunately experienced a lack of motivation to write lately, mainly because of my recent diagnosis of TMJ. The fact that I have another hurdle to overcome makes me frustrated. I don't know whether or not the TMJ is a result of trying to rehabilitate on my horn with a dysfunctional embouchure for the last couple years, OR if it has always been an underlying issue creeping up on me overtime and caused the damage and dystonia.

At least when I was dealing with my nerves flaring up and my dystonia symptoms setting off, I could manage it and still play/rehabilitate. But with TMJ now it's almost impossible to play my horn due to overwhelming pain, or even try...and that is what has thrown me into this slump. I still have hope that someway, somehow, I'll be able to afford medical care later on (probably not until I graduate) and get the jaw splint/guard.

Despite feeling down I have a lot to look forward to! One of my favorite professional horn players will be in Boulder playing principal horn with the Colorado Music Festival. During my undergraduate studies I had planned on going on to study with him for graduate school while he was teaching in Illinois at the time. However, I ended up with dystonia, and he ended up taking a job with an orchestra. So we haven't seen each other since 2010!

I think being around a horn player that I admire so much will be therapeutic for me and remind me of my roots and bring back some life to me. With FTSED, after so long of not playing with a group or being able to play your instrument, you begin to forget who you were...it's almost like a long lost memory...but every now-and-then, that passion that you felt for your instrument comes back at unpredictable times (at times it can be a happy feeling, and other times a sad feeling); it could happen while sitting at a coffee shop and your favorite horn concerto comes on the radio. Or when I am walking to a class and hear an orchestra rehearsing in a concert hall, or coming across an old photo of myself playing horn.

I've been missing horn playing more and more lately. I do feel no matter how much progress you make in rehabilitation, you go through not only physical relapses, but emotional too, but they become less intense over time. For instance, right now I am feeling down, but it is a bittersweet feeling. I am glad to look back on the past, but I am not devastated over it...just like missing a loved one...you think of all the good memories and think, "I sure do miss them, but I know they're still here with me in the little moments like this." I still hold faith all these years later that I will beat this embouchure dystonia!

Not to get off track. I'm also working out a lot this summer. Time to get in shape! I started a new job not long ago and am still involved in concierge work. I can't explain how much this area of work has helped me to get where I am today...even if it's not what I love, I do enjoy it and getting to know the people who travel through. I also have one year left at CU and I've worked SO HARD, I can't wait to graduate!!!

If anyone wants to share any links of interest related to performing arts related injuries, please feel free to comment or send me an e-mail. I'll gladly share! Thank you again for all those who have kept up with me over the years, and I will write more soon.

- Katie

Moving Forward!

Hey everyone! Well, it's May finally, and for once there isn't snow on the ground in North Dakota....but seems to be everywhere else. I am excited to announce I'll be moving! I'm actually moving this weekend to Denver Colorado and starting my new job. I'm really looking forward to returning to this beautiful gorgeous state, and so thankful for all the people who have offered to help me out in this abrupt change. The sad news is I may not be able to attend to my blog for quite a long time. I have a lot to do and accomplish as I transition to my new place of living. Thank you to everyone who has read my blog and kept up with my dystonia updates. Things are still going great, so maybe at some point I'll be able to post a video again. For now, goodbye, and see you in the future at some point!!!!! Love and hugs!

I GOT ACCEPTED!

I just received the news that I got accepted to the University of Colorado Boulder School of Music!!!!!!! It will be a lot of hard work, but I am definitely ready and looking forward to this new beginning!!!!!! :-) So much to be grateful for and the long journey it's taken to get to this point!