Helping Others On This Journey

We're all in it together...

First Orchestra Concert in Six Years!

I had the honor of performing with the Longmont Symphony Orchestra in Colorado this last weekend. I took a risk and said yes to subbing for the 4th horn player, thinking that it would be doable with a couple easy pieces and one large more difficult piece.

But boy was I wrong about the programming! The concert included Pines of Rome, Enigma Variations, Daphnis & Chloe, and Strauss's Four Last Songs. There was transpositions in bass clef and old notation in some of the pieces and a tiny solo for 4th horn.

I had never been much of a low horn player, even before dystonia, I primarily held principal positions. It was too late to turn back now. Plus I had worked so hard and looked forward to such an opportunity for so long! I decided to prepare for it and hope for the best come rehearsal time. We only got two rehearsals and then the concert.

I was surprised that things went so well! I was so nervous about my dystonia kicking in during the long stretches of held notes throughout all of Strauss. I was scared that either spasms would violently through me off the notes (i.e. ending them abruptly), or I wouldn't have enough grasp on the notes to adjust my intonation if needed to (combined with using my right hand in the bell). But all the pieces turned out to be totally doable thanks to my mouthpiece that made things so much more comfortable.

I have been playing trumpet on a daily basis with my students. I have one class of literally 10 beginner trumpet players this year. For over a year now I've been having to play so many different instruments due to teaching; mainly flute, clarinet, oboe, trumpet, and trombone. On all of them I started out shaky, but my dystonia symptoms have receded a great deal over the year.

Trumpet is the one instrument I've spent the most amount of time playing. My dystonia symptoms are actually significantly less severe on trumpet than any of the other brass instruments. Luckily I own a french horn mouthpiece designed by a trumpet player (you can totally tell if you ever get the chance to look at it) and it looks like a trumpet mouthpiece almost. The rim is contoured like a trumpets, the body is funnel-shaped, but then it is a heavy and thick/dense mouthpiece. Probably as heavy as a trombone mouthpiece.

The feeling of the trumpet rim (it's A LOT of RIM!) on a horn mouthpiece has done a bit of sensory trick for me and my symptoms don't kick in as often. I can't play very much in the high range, but that's due to the mouthpiece and it's rim contour and thickness. However, my notes are stable.

Enough about my mouthpiece! Here are some photos from my first rehearsal. Both rehearsals and the concert went smoothly. I definitely needed that feeling of playing in an orchestra again. It was way over due. I took a risk because I knew I could do it, even if it took a lot of physical effort. I was very proud of how much progress I've made and that I'm able to perform even the slightest bit or every blue moon again. There have been so many days, months, and years missing playing with an orchestra, so even having the chance to relive it once again, just once, is a dream come true!

Milestones: Played Horn in A Group for the First Time in Six Years!

A few months ago I received a message from a former UNI (Iowa) classmate of mine named Michael Conrad. He is the current Graduate Jazz Teaching Assistant at UNC (Colorado)...which is one of the schools I attended in my undergraduate studies. He had asked me to sub for the horn player in the UNC Jazz group he works with. 

At first I was a bit hesitant, but remembered how much I loved playing his compositions in my undergrad. Since then he's gone on to win numerous awards for his compositions. I informed him that I still was coping with dystonia and could play as long as it wasn't anything too crazy. He sent me PDF's of all the music to check and I told him it all looked doable, so I went ahead and took a huge step/leap of faith and drove up to Greeley to rehearse with them. 

I have to say it was one of the best experiences and decisions I've made this year! I was both excited and scared. But if anything, it proved that I have come a long ways with my embouchure dystonia, and that I must not ever give up. Right around the same time I received the news that I was selected as a participant in a research study on FTSED. Going to this rehearsal made me even more ecstatic for the upcoming research. 

I'm grateful to Michael for thinking of me even though I had not played the horn in a group since 2010, and for putting so much trust in my playing...even if it was just a rehearsal...I wanted to put my best foot forward. I also was very happy to see a former classmate at a former school I attended...it brought up a lot of memories and nostalgia from my horn playing days. Which is always an amazing feeling to remember!

You're Never Alone

I had the greatest week! Last Sunday my friend and associate principal horn of the St. Louis Symphony visited Boulder to perform the Brahm's Horn Trio at the Boulder Bach Festival. My boyfriend and I went to watch his concert, and then Monday morning Thomas came and watched me teach kinder-violin at school. It meant a lot having him there, because none of my friends from out-of-state have seen me teach since I started my career, and not even my boyfriend has seen my teaching in action.

What I love most about this is that I realized in the last 3 years I've been able to see old friends more than I thought I would, and sometimes more than once. Every time a friend travels through Denver it's like time never passed between us.

I know everyone feels that way with friends, but for me it also brings back a reminder of my old self, my horn-playing self (basically when I felt like I had a definite fixed purpose or calling in life...not that teaching isn't, but the horn was my tool of expression...my voice). It gives me a sense of strength and confidence knowing that my past, my memories are not forgotten or faded inside after everything I've gone through....I guess I'm just happy that the fire burns even brighter inside me when I'm around friends.

I don't know if that makes. I feel relieved to have friends who get me and remain in contact despite the long distance, especially who have been supportive before I lost my ability, and after I lost my ability to play horn. I still can't believe time can go by so fast and yet, I feel as if yesterday I was playing my horn pursing my passion to be a horn professor.

I'm glad to have friends who continue to talk to me about horn playing and know that it's still a huge part of who I am and always will be, and who root me on to never give up hope. So often musician's with dystonia feel they lose a sense of themselves and who they are, and it is a huge struggle. In a way when I visit with friends I feel so much relief knowing that they had a equal impact and part in both my past and present (before I got dystonia, and after). I don't think they realize how important and meaningful that is to me that they've stuck around through thick and thin, and all the transformations my life has gone through.

Enough talking! I'm definitely rambling all over the place and not making sense. Here are some photos from the past week. I'm on vacation soon, and then participating in a research study on embouchure dystonia! But also happy to say I'll have more friends and relatives passing through during July and I'm excited for all the good things that happened and are to come. :-)

Teaching Moments...

My first teacher photo taken...

Halloween informal classroom performances with students

Being goofy...

Halloween parade...

One of the ECE classes I teach music to...

After-school recess inside the gym...

Some of the kinder-violin students I teach...

One of my teacher friend's high school students performing at my organizations family picnic!

Paper (cardboard) violin making with fellow partnerships!

Baby violins for kinder and 1st graders.

Some of my ECE music teaching supplies...

Yup...it's that song you're thinking about.