Blood Circulation and Normal Vibrations

A photo of a string vibrating.

Yesterday I tried to focus on the vibrations that you feel when you blow into the horn. When things come naturally it almost feels like your lips are getting a nice massage, but when you have dystonia it feels similar to getting an electric shock; you go to play and instead of feeling smooth vibrations or that nice blood circulation feeling, it's as if  your muscles feel a jolt and it causes a spasm. As if there's a knotted muscle or block somewhere in the face, or if the embouchure won't accept the vibrations, instead it rejects it. Also the area where my nerve damage is, somehow always feels deflated compared to the rest of my surrounding lip, like there's no underlying tissue to support it even though there's no more striking pain like before. It's hard to describe but that's the best I can think of when explaining how it feels.

I always enjoy returning to the horn, it's similar to returning to exercise. You start playing after a while and can feel those muscles regain strength and that blood circulation; except with Dystonia it just takes me 4-5 hours to get it to feel that normal. It's a great feeling when everything falls into place again, even if just for a moment! I am still hopeful, and I am always happier when I find time to sit down and practice with no goal in mind, just relax and enjoy the notes I can actually play still. I know someday I will return to the concert hall and share the gift of music with fellows and friends as I have done since a child.

I also just bought my Christmas presents today...a NEW horn case, ipod classic, newly revised edition of Broken Embouchures by Lucinda Lewis, and a 12-month subscription to the Berlin Philharmonic Digital Concert Hall! The BPO gives me so much inspiration, and I am thrilled for the case to arrive in the mail. :D

Some Inspiration

For a while I couldn't watch orchestral videos, concerts, let alone handle hearing a horn in the next room. But now I am able to find inspiration again after many months of healing (physically and psychologically). It makes me want to practice, no matter how difficult or rough I sound. It reminds me of how happy and excited I use to be to go to orchestra rehearsal. I love that feeling of sharing a gift of expression as a whole group, listening to my friends, and feeling that positive energy after a great day of rehearsal! Thank God for the Berlin Philharmonic and their digital concert hall, they inspire me to never give up hope.

A Couple Affirmations

"Luctor et emergo" .........I struggle, and emerge.
"Non ducor duco" ..........I am not led; I lead.
"Semper ad meliora" ......Always towards better things.
"Temet nosce" ...............Know thyself.
"Veritas lux mea" .......... Truth is my light.
"Vive ut vivas" ...............Live so that you may live.